#2, Canon: Not Dead Yet
Originally posted here on April 5, 2022.
How closely is your identity aligned with canon events in your source? Completely, partially, or not at all? Do you experience multiple canon and alternative timelines concurrently? How much does the source material of your alterfictional identity influence your personality and behavior, if at all?
Mentions of death, suicide, and insanity below the cut. I am sorry that I do not explain much. I will write a noematapedia entry one day.
As far as differences go, I'm alive, for one. Canon has me dying in 1444 to the fangs of Claudius Giovanni, a traitorous member of a family that the Cappadocians (the vampire clan I belong to) had incorporated four hundred years prior. I had known that he and his father, Augustus, could not be trusted... but my sire (my father, in many ways), Cappadocius, did not listen to me.
Instead of dying, as canon would have it, I was rescued by a group of fledgling vampires during the climactic moment in which my death was to occur. It was largely against my will, as at that point, Cappadocius' madness had reached the state that he believed that we had to die in order to ascend, and he wished for me to allow Claudius to kill me. I had watched my father go insane over the course of the last couple thousand years, watched the clan stagnate and begin to fall, and had been helpless to do anything. Despite my wish to not let the traitors inherit the clan, some part of me was relieved that death would soon be upon me. Finally, I could rest. I could take the responsibility of Cappadocius off of my shoulders.
Instead, some fledglings knocked me out from Claudius' grasp, kicked me across the battlefield, dragged me under a bench and into the bushes with an animated vine, and illusioned a hole in the earth to make it look as if I had simply been swallowed by the ground. Ridiculous, and no one would ever fall for it, but the other events of that night--Cappadocius showing up, his death, the chaos that followed--meant that I, lying face-up in the bushes questioning my life's choices, was left forgotten. Eventually, part way through the chaos, I dragged myself away, into a nearby cave, and sat in there, to await either my killer or for silence to reign long enough to leave. Ultimately, the fledglings found me, and I departed with three of them to try to find pieces of the clan to warn them of the betrayal.
Interestingly, I share a headspace with three other vampires from the same source, although I am from a different "timeline." For them, I did die, but only physically--I ejected my soul from my body and roamed without purpose for centuries, before eventually breaking dozens of my trapped clanmates out of an ancient prison that I was partially responsible for, possessing a new body, and starting a revenge-quest against those that had betrayed and slaughtered much of our clan.
I can hardly imagine, and yet, I see it many nights, for it is this timeline that the "game" run by the host, Tanix, follows. I see myself, Japheth--Dalang, there, having changed my name after all I had been through--taking drastic steps, getting violent, putting everything to the side in the name of getting revenge. Justice, in his--my--mind.
And I agree with him.
I wish I could have been as decisive. I wish I could have brought myself to act against my father's wishes and take out Augustus before there was ever a chance for things to go so wrong. I take some solace from this other me, this other self, who is trying to do what I cannot. When I feel up to it, I help Tanix "run" him, as well. It makes him more authentic, that way. His tale, his success, is important, vital, even, to me--I must see it through, I must see it succeed.
But it isn't me. It wasn't my life. I do not get memories from his timeline--he is not me. He is another version of me, yes, but not the me that I am, if that makes sense.
It's strange, in a way, but comforting, too. Distant. Close enough to give me what I need but distant enough that I can disconnect and not get overwhelmed. These nights, I am so easily overwhelmed.