The Draconic Wizard Workshop

Experiences of a Deathclaw

by Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii

Originally posted here on May 12, 2021.

This may be a bit lengthy, so be warned. My apologies to my fellows with ADHD--I'll try to keep paragraphs short.

I often say that I am "primarily" dragonkin, but I am also deathclawkin. When asked what I am, I will immediately say "dragon," then add on "and deathclaw" after a moment's pause. This is mostly because I've kind of always known I was a dragon... sort of. I've always had shifts and phantom limbs and I've always had this deep connection to dragons, but my understanding of my deathclaw side came far later and long after I'd started playing Fallout games. For a long time, I thought I was just strangely drawn to them like I am most large, interesting reptiles in video games, but eventually it just... clicked, around the time I started getting shifts. While I consider my deathclaw side to be a "secondary" kintype, if that makes sense, always taking a backseat to my draconity when it decides to step in, that doesn't make it any less important to who I am.

So let's talk about that. (I'll talk about my draconity in a separate, and longer, thread when I feel up to it, but it'll come up a lot here.)

Also, we're gonna get a little canon-divergent, so buckle up.

Let's talk about shifts first, since they're the most notable and important part of this particular kintype for me. I am very, very used to phantom shifts--I have my dragon wings and tail probably a good 90% of the time, enough that I can feel exactly how they move and keep track of each articulating finger bone in my wings. I'm used to what dragon phantom shifts feel like, and I'm also used to my tail doing some pretty weird shifty things when Valence is near the front, as it tends to shift into something more like a super-flexible double-ended tiefling tail. So imagine my surprise the first time I find that my tail is thick, heavy, and largely immobile, almost like a crocodile's.

When deathclaw phantom shifts hit, I get that heavy tail, and I get claws. I'm used to dragon claws popping in and out, but these are different--instead of being extensions on top of my human hands, natural and normal, these feel almost unwieldy unless I stop thinking about how they work with my human hands. They feel less like tools and more like weapons. Understand: these are four one-foot-long claws on an eight-foot-tall (or so) creature (plus a thumb claw which is far shorter). These claws are massive for a deathclaw's body size, but I'd sure hope they are, given the name.

Those claws... they make me feel powerful, unlike my dragon claws, which just make me feel right. Not only do I feel right with these, I feel like I'm in control of the situation--I can handle anything that gets in my face, no problem. I have great, curling horns for intimidation, sharp teeth for biting (although biting in combat is not really in a deathclaw's best interest--we've got shorter, stubbier mouths than one would think, and we're much better with, you know, claws), and huge, sharp claws for ripping things to pieces.

The strength of a deathclaw isn't to be underestimated, either--and that's the weirdest part of the phantom shifts for me. The tail, sure. The horns, absolutely. The claws, 100%. The digitigrade legs are just par for the course with me. But getting phantom strength? I don't get that with dragon shifts. I have an understanding that my dragon self was strong--stronger than a deathclaw, even--but that's not core to my understanding of my identity as a dragon. The strength just came with the package: of course a fifty-foot dragon is going to be strong. But for a deathclaw, that's part of what makes the identity. You were strong, you were smart, or you died. Along with that strength, though, comes the weight--I feel so much weightier and more powerful with every step as a deathclaw, even though my dragon shifts don't make me feel that way despite being objectively bigger. The way I experience being a dragon and being a deathclaw are totally different, no matter what kind of shift is going on, and that's so wild to me.

This brings me into the mental shifts (which there may be another word for, but I don't really get them as a dragon very much, mostly due to feeling nonhuman enough in my mindset that I don't notice (thanks, my brand of autism!)). It makes my mindset more... animalistic. Like all of my human worries and thoughts are just background noise, like I don't need to listen to all that, that's Other, and it's not what I need. It's fascinating, and I wish I could do it at will. It doesn't happen very often, but I love slipping into that more animalistic mindspace just to explore it. Interestingly enough, I get the most shifts (of both types) when walking through city areas... which doesn't happen very often since we're in the middle of a pandemic and I only figured out this kintype after lockdown started. Dammit. I look forward to exploring that further, though, once it's safer to just wander around and go inside to get food when I get tired. (Part of being an apex predator is getting hungry and eating, y'all, although I don't think me-as-deathclaw really had Wendy's in mind.)

What's really interesting about that mindset, though, is that it's not fully animalistic, and not just because my actual physical brain is human and it's getting its human nonsense all wrapped up in it. No, it's that a deathclaw is frighteningly intelligent--about as intelligent as a human, but in a totally different way. It's not spending its time thinking about worries and higher meanings of things--it's spending its time thinking about pack tactics (if applicable), how to get their next meal, and what in the god damn hell is THIS weird human thing and can I use it? Yes--curiosity and experimentation are important to a deathclaw, or at least me-as-deathclaw. It's a totally alien intelligence, which is why I'm so fascinated by it, but it also has recognizable parts of it--hunger, cooperation, curiosity, anger.

And this brings us around to noemata, aka The Stuff I Just Know Because I Do. Source: dude trust me. : p

Deathclaws in larger, more open areas (eg. the Mojave Desert) tend to be slightly smaller and hunt in large packs, the details of which I'm a little shaky on (making me feel like this wasn't where I fit in). Areas like that had a lot of large prey--brahmin, bighorners, etc. Areas without as much large prey and with far less space (eg. the Commonwealth) tended towards larger deathclaws working alone with fierce territorial boundaries, only being seen together for breeding purposes. This makes sense--without nearly as much space and prey to go around, you don't want to share with a dozen other apex predators.

I think I was somewhere kind of in between--the darker, wetter palette of the Commonwealth feels more familiar, but I know I wasn't in that specific area, just because it doesn't feel right and because I know I had a small pack--maybe 4-7 individuals, counting myself? I'm not really sure. I only have noemata of one particular individual, one far smaller and scrawnier than me, who had lopsidedly put on a human hat. This "hat" looked kind of like a dome with a little satellite dish stuck on top. (Classic Fallout.) I don't know why he did this but I found it inordinately amusing. (Related: deathclaws can find things funny!)

The coloration of the Alpha deathclaws from Fallout 4 feels familiar, and I don't know if that's because I had one in my pack or if I was one, but I've just snagged that reddish coloration for my own mental picture of myself because a) I don't have any better leads and b) it looks sick as hell and I like to think I look awesome.

I feel like I spent a lot of time in old, ruined areas of the wasteland, where there just weren't a lot of humans around. I get vague impressions of opinions of them--mostly noisy, annoying, and not worth hunting most of the time--but also a kind of curiosity, mostly with the things they made. Lots of picking through old ruined buildings, trying to see if there's anything useful for a deathclaw. I don't know if this implies that we had some kind of tool use or other crafting going on--it doesn't feel wrong when I prod at it, but it also doesn't necessarily ring right, so I'm on the fence about that one. >.> If only answers came easily!

Ultimately, being a deathclaw gives me a comparison point for my draconity and a reality check when I get too caught up in human worries sometimes. Obviously I need to focus on my human life, but I have an anxiety disorder something fierce, and having a deathclaw shift can sometimes remind me that it's okay, this paper won't matter in a few months, why don't you rip into a radstag and maybe you'll feel better. I have almost no control over when I get these shifts (unlike my dragon side, which I can will phantom shifts basically whenever I want) except for the claws, which sometimes just show up when I think about deathclaws and then... don't........ go away..... which makes typing hell. (They've been here the whole time I've been writing this and THAT'S been an adventure, let me tell you.)

Being a deathclaw is a newer experience for me than being a dragon, and the fact that all of this plays second fiddle to my dragon side is kind of hilarious given how much is going on here. It's really enjoyable having these two very different kintypes, though, and while I feel like I've explored most of my basic dragon experiences (as I've been a dragon for... basically forever) there's still a lot to learn about my deathclaw kintype. It's a brand-new adventure, and I'm excited to have you guys along for the ride as well as the ability to archive my experiences more adequately than, y'know, tumblr.